Romance on the rocks

Some couples just overdo it. Am I right? I mean, come on, you aren't that happy. Quit putting on a show.

I can pick out these couples the minute they walk in the room. The doors open in slow motion, a beam of light illuminating their smiling faces - and strangely enough - a breeze is ruffling their hair. It's the perfect entrance for the perfect couple.

It's not so grand, however, if you're within 50 feet of them.

All night, with the hugging and kissing and picturesque moments. Seriously?

Are you trying to tell me that you don't fight? You don't get aggravated with one another? It's just a picture-perfect relationship?

I don't buy it.

You're telling me that you don't mind him leaving clothes all over the floor? You like it when he ignores you while he's watching football?

You don't even care that he pretends the dishwasher is a foreign object that he's incapable of ever understanding?

Of course you do.

And don't even try it - I know you're tired of hearing her complain about everything. You're trying to relax, watch a little TV, and she just keeps walking in front of you, back and forth, and when you hear the vacuum start up, you can't help but growl in discontent. Couldn't she clean the house in half an hour, when your beloved Family Guy is over?

It's just impossible to be Cinderella and Prince Charming all the time. You're going to squabble about the dishes, and the trash ... and the kids, bills, money, cars, loans, bills, working late, forgetting anniversaries - did I forget bills?

You aren't fooling anyone with that, "I don't have a care in the world" play you put on. The rest of us that are putting up with someone's bad habits can see right through your charade.

For instance, while you're having a nice dinner together, I know you would like to strangle him when he begins the empty wallet routine.

"I don't know ... filet mignon is, like, 20 bucks an ounce."

And when the waiter smiles at her as he sets down her drink, and she smiles back, I know you're thinking: "You hussy!"

And when you catch him glaring at you and your new friend, I bet you can barely contain it.

"If I had a nickel for every time he got jealous when we went out ... well, I'd be able to afford the stupid steak."

Then when she glares back, I bet you're thinking, "you hussy!"

You may have the gift of painting on a good face, but I know in your mind, you're thinking of abandoning her at the restaurant.

You just want to jump in the car and screech off, leaving her and her "new lover" dumbfounded at the door. You even smile a little at the image of her shocked expression as you race away in her only transportation.

But you don't let it show. You bite your lip as the waiter smiles at her, and you open the door for her, no matter how much you'd like to shut it in her face.

And you - you'll look around the room and chat, rather than meet his glare, and you'll settle for Chicken Parmesan so your friends won't think your husband is a cheap jerk.

Why don't you give up this facade?

Give him a nice kick in the shins for glaring. Or ask her, "if you love the waiter so much, why don't you just marry him?"

Quit forcing a smile and kissing like that, when I know you want to go Hannibal Lecter on his face - just do it already.

"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti..."

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Katy Blair, Globe reporter and Effingham native, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 210, or at katyblair@npgco.com.