Fast lane confusion

Here's something we all have in common. Or at least those of us who speed through life, unaware that some people actually do stop and smell the roses.

Slow drivers in the fast lane. Why?

Let's break this down. Someone is driving slowly. People driving fast are in the fast lane. Why would anyone drive in the fast lane if they know they are driving slowly? That's not a rhetorical question; I would absolutely love to entertain a response to that.

There is nothing, and I absolutely mean nothing, more frustrating than citizen policing. Sometimes I wonder if they have actually made themselves little fake badges out of construction paper and glitter glue.

And you know when you've got one.

Everyone in the fast lane is cruising along nicely, drafting each other through early morning Kansas City traffic like it's Daytona 500. Before long you see cars, trucks, 18-wheelers (oh yes, even them) swerving into the right lane, and they are angry. You can tell, because they immediately return to the left lane, barely clearing the slowpoke's bumper. Fingers fly, honking ensues; it's a veritable mess of metal and hotheadedness.

As your turn nears, you contemplate how you will approach the situation. Should you immediately get over and bypass the chug-a-lug holding up your Nextel Cup? Or should you take it upon yourself to tailgate that 1983 Hunkajunk until they get over, for the sake of all fast-laners?

The fast lane exists for a reason. It is for driving fast. That's all. Not for slowing people down for their supposed "own good." Not for stealthily blocking people in so they have neither lane to advance in their checkered flag position.

If you're on Interstate 70 in the fast lane and you're going 69 miles per hour, you are wrong. Go directly to jail.

Let's make this palpable by discussing the repercussions if you were to drive slow in the fast lane, hypothetically.

People don't like you.

You cause accidents.

I can't rock it out to David Bowie going 60 mph - it just isn't the same.

And the granddaddy of them all - drivers become increasingly angry following you, resulting in high blood pressure, blurred vision, depression, fever, tremors, hallucinations, spontaneous combustion and a myriad of other symptoms that will eventually conclude with road rage and your getting rear ended.

Moreover, the complaints thus far are completely superseded by the fact that there are posted signs instructing all drivers to allow the left lane for faster traffic. It's not just a common courtesy folks, it's the law. The United States Uniform Vehicle Code states:

"Upon all roadways any vehicle proceeding at less than the normal speed of traffic at the time and place and under the conditions then existing shall be driven in the right-hand lane then available for traffic ..."

And did you know that there are several states that have made it illegal to "enforce the speed limit" in the fast lane? Florida is currently considering a bill titled "Road Rage Reduction Act." It was written specifically to combat tailgating and lower traffic accidents.

Don't you dare presume because you are from Idaho and rarely spend time in Kansas, that I will believe you just "don't know" about the fast lane rule. You know. And I know that you know. And you know that I know that you know.

In closing, I would like to call my fellow speed demons to action. We, as a community, must act against these lawbreakers. The fast lane is there for a reason. We who live by the rule of the road, "I wanna go fast!" have a right - no, a duty - to demand justice.

"If you ain't first, you're last."

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Katy Blair, an Effingham native and Globe reporter, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 214, or at katyblair@npgco.com.