The simple truth is that I don't want to deal with long lines when I go shopping, especially for three items. I get impatient - glaring at the people holding up the line, glaring at the people behind me glaring at me like I should do something about the holdup, glaring at the nearest employee not doing anything to speed things up. Glaring at everyone in general.
I'm not even going to broach the issues surrounding the ratio of customers to employees working the registers. It's a battle lost for ages.
So what do they do to help the lines along? Enter Fast Lane Self Checkout!
Yeah, right - more like "You're going to be here a while checkout." I'll tell you why.
My recent shopping experience concluded with the same results. I walked around, desperately trying to figure out what I needed, and when all was done, I had a headache.
Who knew shopping could be so stressful for a woman?
So with my headache, I marched up to the checkout area, scanning the line situation. Of course, the few that were in operation were all backed up.
As I have become a self checkout enthusiast - proficient in the art of scanning bar codes, I might say - I headed straight for my area of expertise.
Sure, there were a few people waiting, but it's self checkout - I assumed that people in that line knew how to wrap things up quick-like.
Here's one problem: Not only do they let just anyone into self checkout, but they also let anything. "Fast Lane" doesn't mean buy half the store. The general rule of thumb is 20 items or less, that is it!
The woman attempting to use the scanner when I arrived had a full cart.
Obnoxious as that was, I held my composure and took my place in line. After about 15 minutes and a time-consuming issue trying to write a check at the self checkout, which doesn't process checks without employee involvement, Satan incarnate finally concluded her soccer mom-charade and left with a heaping cart.
The next woman stepped up, and I thought for sure she was going to bat. She looked as eager to leave the store as I did.
She went a little slow, but then again, my standards are probably a little high. I speed-check, no time to waste.
Was it toilet paper or paper towels? I can't remember, but she could not find that bar code. I mean, it was a polar bear in a blizzard to her.
So scan, scan and scan some more. I don't know how many times she swiped that package with no resounding beep to comfort her, or anyone else for that matter.
After about 10 attempts, I was ready to jump in and show her the bar code. Heck, I was ready to scan the rest of her cart, put her inside and push it out the doors, careening all the way to her car.
Too far, I know, but I felt insanity closing upon me. I was frantic inside. She just kept swiping.
Swipe. Swipe. How many times can a person do that before they realize it's not going to work?
I don't think she even had the bar code near the scanner, she was just scanning the bottom as if it had to be in that one location.
I think I was having an aneurysm when she finally got that paper scanned. She was happily sacking it, all proud that she finally overcame the machine, and I was clinging to the railing, eyes rolled back, foaming at the mouth.
Needless to say, a 40-minute wait at the Fast Lane Self Checkout spurred me to finish my business quickly.
I furiously scanned, sacked, swiped, punched in my PIN and ripped that receipt. Marriages in Hollywood have lasted longer than that checkout.
My advice for all of you amateurs trying to play with the big dogs - stay on the porch. Fast Lane Self Checkout is for the serious shoppers only. You slow them up, and you may just find your mugshot on the "Slow Shoppers Most Wanted" bulletin board.
I've been watching a lot of The Shield lately. You take your chances in that fast lane and get caught, well ... I wouldn't resist arrest if I were you.
That's no lie.
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Katy Blair, an Effingham native and Globe reporter, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 214 or at katyblair@npgco.com.
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