Moving it along

There is simply no way to move from one home to another without drama.

Through the limber-fingered talents of Fast Eddie and the deceivingly strong Larry the packing guy, my mountain of boxes and tubs were packed neatly into the trailer within an hour. They were likewise unpacked in less than 15 minutes.

But Fast Eddie - the guy who got his hands on my DVD player and Grey's Anatomy Season 5 DVDs while I was practically still watching and packed them so fast it'd give you whiplash - he was the key. With Fast Eddie on my team, I was sure moving day would be a smooth run.

And then DirecTV got involved.

The day before the big move, I set everything up. What I thought was an easy conversation on the phone about cable and Internet service through AT&T was apparently one big joke.

"We have a package for $59.99 that includes all the channels you've said you need."

Great, sign me up.

"Does you fiancé watch sports, because NFL Sunday Ticket is included in that package."

Sure, he's a guy, sign me up.

"You'll get a mail-in rebate for three months of cable for signing up today."

Super, let's get on with it.

"We have four Internet packages, dial-up at $19 a month and Elite at $35 a month, that's our fastest."

Give me the fastest, done and done.

"The installation team will be at your apartment between noon and 5 p.m. Saturday to install your dish."

Whatever, of course you're going to make me wait around all day. I'm moving my entire life into a 4 bedroom-less living space and hoping to do it in two days so I can avoid taking off at work so as to save my PTO for the honeymoon I desperately want, but that's fine. I'll make sure I do nothing but sit at the door and wait for your scrub installation guys to grace my new home with their so-called expertise. Are we done?

Of course, I was all roses on the phone, which I deeply regret now because that broad didn't get a thing right.

Package deal at $59.99 a month? Yeah right, she signed me up for $79.99 a month. NFL Sunday Ticket included? No, an extra $5 a month. Did I order HD DVR? No, but they sure thought that's what they were supposed to install.

I thought I heard something about a rebate? Shyeah, no. Not that I know of.

And the Internet? She didn't even put in an order for it.

So when the fellas arrived to set up my cable, nobody knew what was going on. And of course, it was on me to make the call. Swell, I sure do love those customer service calls.

The first "customer service representative," explained what cable package I was signed up for. After explaining about three different ways that the order was all wrong, she "fixed" it.

Then I was sent to a guy for the Internet installation, where I learned that there was no Internet service order in existence.

During all of this, the anxious group of men waiting to hear the outcome of my conversation kept following me from room to room to outside to inside to anywhere else I went to get away from all their loud guy chatter.

"The installation guys need to know if the cable order is right now so they can finish."

Got it, I'll ask.

"Make sure you ask if there are three receivers. There shouldn't be any HD any more."

Got it. Asking.

"Do you..."

No! I'm on the phone, I'm doing it, go away before I wring your neck!

The third service rep I talked to was supposed to confirm my new cable order, but she obviously didn't have a brain, because she couldn't figure out what I meant by, "what is my current cable order?"

Before I could launch my cell phone across my new lawn, the installation guy took it.

And after about five minutes, he hung up on her. I guess I was right about that one.

While silently considering my newfound admiration for installation techs everywhere, he was getting on the phone with yet another service rep. And she fixed it all. Cable, Internet, my sanity. She even explained all the cable packages and how much they cost. It was like a dream. Good thing, since I was moments away from attempting a Matrix pull through the phone line to strangle each and every person I could.

To-do list - Find out that installation guy's name and have him install anything else I need. Cable, phone, washing machine - I don't care, he'll obviously get farther than anyone else. And whatever phone number he called to reach the heavenly world of real customer service agents who do their job, I want it, too.

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Katy Blair, Globe associate editor and Effingham native, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 210, or at katyblair@npgco.com.

www.atchisonglobeonline.com

The ABCs of ABCs

There's nothing more frustrating than word block.

Despite my submersion into the complex and extensive realm of the English language at a very young age, despite watching Shakespeare with my mother on those old-fashioned tapes while other kids were romping around town, despite my meticulous and incessant examination of every conversation of which I am a part or a subject - an unfortunate habit of scrutiny that involves my ears pricking at the slightest reproach or affront, whether cleverly hidden or cleverly obvious - I continuously come across word block.

As I write almost daily, you can imagine the annoyance.

"Who sings this song?"

"It starts with an 'S.' I just know it starts with an 's,' or maybe a 'c.'"

Unfortunately, Billy Idol does not start with an 's,' or a 'c.' It doesn't include either letter - anywhere.

I'd like to attribute my forgetfulness to age, but I'm not ready to begin that battle quite yet. I proved my internal struggle with jumping on Age Avenue just weeks ago, after suffering a mini-stroke following the premature discovery of a gray hair.

In my defense, very blonde looks very gray in the right light.

"What's another word for, 'a citizen who isn't in any form of the military?'"

"Uh..."

The answer I was looking for? Civilian. How long did that take? About two days. How many brain cells did I kill stressing that I couldn't think of that word? Countless.

The real problem lies in that I obsess about mostly everything. I'm a natural born stresser. When I can't get something done quick-like, it will haunt everything I do.

Thus, when a normal person can't think of a synonym to citizen, they move on to another word, satisfied they can finish whatever they are working on.

When I can't think of a synonym to citizen, I can't do anything else right until I remember what I'm looking for, because I know nothing will work as well as that word will.

"Did you remember to get the milk?"

"No, can you think of another word for citizen?"

"Can you get the mail on your way in tomorrow?"

"I know it starts with a 'c.' You know what I'm talking about, what is it?"

Or, "what time did you get to sleep last night?"

"Oh, about 2 a.m. Couldn't sleep, thought of every word known to man. Nothing."

Sometimes when I've thought so hard for so long, if I actually get the synonym I wanted, it doesn't sound right.

Is my brain not working? Am I going crazy? Can I just make up a word that sounds right? Colbert did it, after all. Why can't I?

The situation tends to get a bit frightening when my enlisted help gives up their search before I'm satisfied there's either no way either of us are going to think of it, or it just doesn't exist.

"Come on! Haven't you thought of that word yet?"

"No, I can't think of anything you haven't already said."

"Oh, whatever! Just try harder, you're not trying hard enough! Would you just concentrate and quit messing around?! Ughhh!"

My mom will recognize that exchange more than she'd like to admit - she's been an unwilling participant in it several times.

It's her own fault, really - she's the English teacher. I would expect her to carry a dictionary and thesaurus with her at all times for such moments of desperation.

And although nine times out of 10, she comes through, there is the occasional word that completely stumps us both. And then I'm in a bad mood for about a week. Until I come up with it myself. Or drive myself cuckoo trying.

I'm beginning to think my ABCs stand for aggravatingly bipolar crackpot.

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Katy Blair, Globe associate editor and Effingham native, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 210, or at katyblair@npgco.com.

www.atchisonglobeonline.com