The Cuckoo Zone

A few months ago I coined my very own phrase. This came during the mad rush of the presidential election. I was deep in thought, pondering on the state of things, when it suddenly came to me.

"They are so busy celebrating a win, they have yet to realize they lost."

Unfortunately, my little quote not only applies to my political arch nemeses, but to a broad spectrum of people - people we all encounter on a daily basis.

Which brings me to my point - there are way too many people out there that have no idea what they are talking about.

Everybody knows one - a friend, an in-law, maybe even a co-worker. And I know you do the same thing I do when they get started. While simultaneously listening to their bucket of crazy and contemplating your own retaliation, your hands tremble, heartbeat picks up, breathing stops, and you clench your jaws to avoid sighing as loudly as possible, and all you can hear in your mind is this high-pitched screaming.

Oh yes, the inner monologue scream. And you're just hoping your face doesn't reflect your thoughts during this private screaming session.

Of course you don't want to listen, but it's like a train wreck. You won't go to another room, or anything else, simply because you feel this morbid desire to rant to someone - anyone - about what idiotic things they said after they are gone.

Even if by third or fourth person, when I hear about someone saying something that makes absolutely no sense, I can't keep my composure.

"So you're telling me that he said you can get cancer if a dog licks you because canine saliva has fecal toxins in it? Are you kidding me right now?"

The worst part is, you can't correct these people. They won't have it.

You could argue to the death, and they will still be 100-percent certain that this person, who has done no research whatsoever, is a reliable source.

"Well, I just don't think he'd lie about something like that."

No, probably not. He's probably just an idiot.

And that's what gets me. These people are so satisfied with themselves, because they think they look intelligent, or feel they've given you vital information, that they won't yield to the possibility that their information could be misguided, or - shock of all shocks - wrong.

You could resurrect Jesus and ask him to put the final nail in evolution's coffin, and they'd still say, "Well, I just don't know. It made sense to me."

Well, Britney Spears appears to be a good mother at times, but that doesn't mean I just allow her to dupe me so unceremoniously.

So, in honor of my New Year's resolution, I vow not to argue. I promise not to correct. Because, after all, it's useless.

When they are lost in smugness over their "obvious" win, just smile, and always remember to keep your wits about you when they start their crazy. As my good friend, Ron Burgundy said once, while arguing over the origin of a certain city name: "Agree to disagree."

-------

Katy Blair is the Globe associate editor and can be reached at 367-0583 Ext. 210 or katyblair@npgco.com.