Vegetari-ain't

I'll never understand the world of vegetarians.

Heart and soul, I'm a Kansas girl. Although I'm not necessarily in tune with Gollum's palate for "wet and wriggling," I like me some crappie. Bass too - just not catfish.

And I like my steak medium rare.

Yes, precious - grill that steak for five minutes and it's ready to go, bloody and all.

So naturally, when I hear the word "vegetarian," I cringe inside, for two very sensible reasons - I don't get it, and I don't like it.

The court recognizes exhibit A - the dining out experience.

First and foremost, if you're a vegetarian and thus so repulsed by the omnivorous kind, why would you put yourself in the grievous situation of eating near them?

Like any other woman, I enjoy a nice meal at a restaurant. What I don't enjoy is being judged about my dietary decisions from the next table.

You know the look - nose crinkled, judgmental eyes upon your plate, and the disapproving slight shake of the head.

Even if it's not a noticeable reaction, you know what's playing in their head.

"How can she eat that?! Doesn't she know how that cow suffered? Doesn't she care?"

Truth of the matter is, I do know.

I know chickens are cooped together in deplorable conditions. I know cattle endure a less than euphoric end.

And those poor fish - death by brain bludgeoning. At least, that's how we did it when I was a kid.

So yes, I do know, and possibly the worst part, I'm not going to do a thing about it.

The court recognizes exhibit B - canines, otherwise known as "eye teeth."

I don't have those teeth for nothing; I was born to eat meat. And so were you. Match point.

And the granddaddy of all plot holes - vegetarianism reeks of hypocrisy.

Exhibit C - the "sort-of-vegetarian vegetarian."

Did you know that some of them eat fish, even chicken? How can they do that? Aren't vegetarians supposed to be staunchly against harming animals? A fish brain might not be much, but it's a living, breathing organism. And a chicken? Get outta here.

So if they are supposed to be deeply concerned about the welfare of animals, how can vegetarians drink milk? That poor cow suffered endlessly, standing in a stall for hours enduring a milking machine's icy touch, to provide gallons upon gallons of milk. That milk in your glass might as well have been tears.

And don't forget cheese, yogurt, ice cream - cows contributed tireless hours of slave labor to provide the base for all dairy products.

There can be no gray areas, as my father would say, so it's time to make a decision - either you like meat, or you don't. None of this wishy-washy, "No, I don't eat meat, yuck. But don't you just love my new Ralph Lauren thigh-high stiletto leather boots?"

In fact, there's a multitude of products that vegetarians shouldn't purchase at all - packaged cookies and crackers contain animal shortening, butter, lard or suet; candy, chewing gum, ice cream and liquor contain capric acid, another animal fat; marshmallows, yogurt and gelatin desserts contain gelatin, made from animal bones, cartilage, tendons and skin; processed foods, cosmetics, perfumes, lotions, inks and glues contain glycerides, made from animal fats; chocolate contains lecithin, an animal product used to preserve food; wax paper, margarine, crayons, candles and rubber contain tallow, solid fat of sheep and cattle, and the list goes on ... and on ... and on.

What's left? Well, you can have some lettuce, as long as you're not concerned about stealing Bugs Bunny's dinner. But you put down that Hershey bar. And the Twinkie? I think not.

As for me, I'm not buying it, so I'm going to ignore that you're breaking the rules and enjoy the fruits of God's green earth - not to mention this juicy steak on my plate.

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Katy Blair is the Globe associate editor and can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 210, or katyblair@npgco.com.