'O' stands for Obvious

“Oh, you have to watch this part! This is good!”

Really? Here I am, sitting comfortably in my chair, eyes glued to the television, and you still have to tell me to watch the movie?

I don't understand the existence of these people, these over-anxious sharers, but make no mistake — they are a massive breed, taking over the general population.

In high school, my posse and I loving nicknamed these people “Chuck's,” after a certain excitable friend of ours who couldn't help but blurt out movie spoilers. Of course, many of his faux pas happened mid-movie.

I guarantee everyone has at least one Chuck in their life, relaying their “astute observations” at the most pointless moments.

Is it some sick excitement in taking away the surprise? Sure, the crazy guy with the machete is going to kill that bimbo — she's running away from town to escape him and what is now obviously her inevitable death. That's how those silly girls always die in horror flicks.

But now that you've told me something good will happen, I can just forget that little hope in the back of my mind that Barbie will somehow evade her ugly, misshapen murderer and prevail.

Nope, Barbie's going down as she would in any other pop culture film — mostly nude and falling constantly, as if her weak ankles have never experienced a thing called “running.”

I recall our dear friend pulling just this stunt once, proudly declaring the heroine's destiny was to die. Everyone in the room erupted into a chorus of, “Aww, Chuck! Why?!”

The true aftermath of the sin he had committed was to come, unfortunately — I believe it was Josh that began growling, an unearthly sound filled with torture and angst, as he sprang from the couch and wrapped his hands around poor Chuck's neck.

Chuck kept a watchful eye during movie night ever after.

But Chucks come in many shapes and sizes. Some simply enjoy inquiring about the obvious.

Here's my question for this Chuck: Honestly, if you can see what I'm doing, do you really need to ask me about it?

“Whatcha eatin there?”

“A unicorn.”

Is that what you want to hear? Because I can't glamorize a sandwich — it is what it is and everybody knows what it looks like.

I can't figure out just how to deal with these Chucks. Strangling a Movie Spoiler Chuck is one thing, but an Obvious Situation Chuck isn't the type to get derailed on a quest for knowledge.

In the end, a large portion of my responses to Obvious Situation Chuck are inevitably snarky — I just can't help myself.

“Are you on the phone?”

“No, I was just holding the phone on my ear here because I like the way it makes me look thin.”

A small part of me hopes that this answer will discourage any further questioning, but little do I know that this Chuck is filled with all the useless inquiries in the world.

Here's the big one, and I'll never understand why this question exists, unless purely to torture that poor soul on the receiving end: “Are you OK?”

Am I OK? Sure sure, of course I'm OK. I was just yanking the hair out of my head because I wanted that retro-mohawk look that my niece's Cabbage Patch doll got after she experimented with the scissors. And I launched my cell phone across the room because I hate hearing that I won the lottery, darn my good luck.

I'm not hyperventilating because your questions make me feel like banging my head against the wall until I black out.

No, Mr. Obvious, I'll be alright — bald — but alright.
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Katy Blair, a Globe reporter and Effingham native, can be reached at 367-0583, Ext. 214, or at katyblair@npgco.com.